Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

And here we are another year another road in rear-view mirror so starts 2009 and I am in nobody’s bed, not even some random stranger. I haven’t tried either. I have been in this slump more like a depression though I don’t like using that word. When I am not driving I am drinking personally I don’t like the spiral that I am going down but things may be looking up for me. While I was sitting in my truck, a voice came over the radio it was none other than Broken Guitar. He said he was sorry that he wasn’t around but he thought about me everyday. I don’t know what came over me but I just broke down on the radio to him and told him I think about him every night and we haven’t met.

Then out of the blue he said that I did see him once but I turned away to quick and was back in the truck before he could approach me. He said he has blue eyes. I see a lot of guys every day but I am really hoping that is not creepy guy from last year, I haven’t seen him in ages and I would think that if Broken Guitar used to talk to me all the time, I should run into him all the time don’t you think. I told him everything and he told me the days will get better. I really hope he is right.

Here I am nearing 30 and I wonder is this all my life has to offer? I am going to turn into my dad lonely and driving on the road with some little kid trotting in my footsteps. Of course, I don’t have a kid. But sometimes when my dad was home we would drink and sit in front of the television and just seem sad. I look at myself in the mirror and I look sad or at least I think I do.  Anymore I just don’t want to do anything except drive and sometimes I don’t even feel like doing that. To make matters worse,  Jenny called me the other day and her and James are getting married on Valentine’s Day and then she asked me to be her maid of honor.

I know one part of her and one part of me always promised each other we would be our maid of honors. We are best friends. But then she is marrying my ex husband and that is a little weird. I told her I had to think about it and she said she understo0d. I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t know if I can do it but if her and James don’t last Jenny and I are forever and I am sure there is no one else she wants to witness her marriage. I can’t believe she is getting married. I never would have thought. But then now I know what she means what she said to me that while I was married, “single life ain’t all that great” I can vouch for that.

Maybe Broken Guitar and I could ease each other’s loneliness.

Well here we are at the end of another year. I can not believe it was a year or so ago me and James got back together, decided to remarry and now we are broken up. They, they being Jenny and James were rather upset that I didn’t stay home for Christmas. I took several loads back and forth across the country. Right there is too much on mind and my heart was to heavy to enjoy Christmas. Don’t get me wrong I love Christmas but not this year. This year I just wanted to be a lone. And I was alone, there were no men even though I could had some and there was no Broken Guitar.  It was just me when I wasn’t driving,  I spent time sleeping or trying to write a letter to James.

Hell, I knew I would never give him the letter I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. I know I said I got over the whole Jenny and James thing but I lied. I really thought I did until I saw them together at the grocery store. I don’t know if they saw me or not. Right before I left for two weeks,  I went into the market to buy a frozen pizza and a tweleve pack. And there they were holding hands, laughing kissing gently. They looked like they were in love. They looked happy.

Sure, I want them both to be happy and Jenny deserves a great man and James is a great man but did they have to wind up together. I always thought James was my soul mate but I guess not and I wonder am I destined for love? Is there someone out there for me and only me, will I find happiness. I left the store and went to the Liquid Clam for wings, darts and beer. According to some of the people at the Clam Jenny nor James comes into the bar since they were together. I guess they spend too much time fucking one another. I remember those days.

I don’t know what I feel right now, I guess a little bit of everything. I am leaving again tomorrow for another couple of weeks. I think I need to find Broken Guitar. I need him more than ever.

What a year this has been and I don’t even know where to begin. My life seems to be going on a down ward spiral and it just keeps on going. And this is nothing different.  I just came back home and the house was quiet and empty. There on the kitchen table was a note. I guess I should’ve saw it coming but I didn’t. Loneliness can make one go crazy.  I am not sad about it too much. I knew he went with Jenny and that doesn’t bother me either. What did it matter anyway. It was still early, my cell rang constantly from Jenny and I got a shower.

Found the sexiest clothes I could find and went the Liquid Clam. I knew everyone there and that just wasn’t going to do. I needed someone to touch me, a feel of a stranger running their hands over me their wet mouth slobbering on my skin. I got in my car and drove to Augusta and just picked a random bar and went inside. Maybe I seemed out of place because a lot of the people there were in their early 20’s. Hip Hop thudded the walls and lights flashed. When I was 21 I was married and when I was home it was either nights at the Liquid Clam or cozy nights in. Tonight was all about sex.

I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. A guy, tall and blonde came over and started talking. I don’t know what we are talking about and I don’t think it matters at all. He asked me to dance. I never danced the way the do in that bar, a lot of rubbing and grinding. The drinks kept coming it started with beer and then we did shots of whiskey. By closing we were both drunk, he put his arm around me and we walked to his place.  He lived several blocks away at least that is what it seemed like. Before I left the bar, I grabbed a pack of matches. I had a feeling I would forget where I was the next morning.

I know I was drunk but I remember the sex it was sloppy and clumsy but it did the job. I woke before him, got my clothes on and called a cab to get me back to the bar.

Then I came home. Jenny and James were waiting for me because they wanted to talk about what happened. My head ached and I already threw up three times before coming in. Sitting on the couch, I tried not to doze off as they rambled something about how it just happened one night and they didn’t mean it. Really does anyone mean to do it. But when they made love they just knew fuck I don’t give a shit and I stopped listenening at some point. All I wanted to do was sleep the rest of the day and sort it out later. 

They asked if I were okay and blah blah. Come on they both know me well enough to when I was hungover. They finally left me and I could nap. I woke later on the day and everything sunk in. I cried and got angry and now I am okay what a roller coaster of a day. I called Jenny and gave her my blessing but I got her voice mail. Her and James are probably in the midst of new love when everything is roses.

I looked at my half smoked pack of smokes. I only smoke when I drink and lit one as I pulled a beer out of the fridge. I sat in the dark and just drank and smoke. What has my life become?

Where do I begin? I have been on the road for the last two weeks. The first couple of days my heart beat so fast the whole time. I couldn’t sleep in the truck I had to sleep in a motel room or not at all. When I would stop for a break, I would park near other trucks and leave the truck right away. I can still hear the crushing of metal and glass and the pain and the the loss of pain. I saw a couple of friends from the road at a truck stop in Georgia and we talked about good times and played pool and suddenly the truck wasn’t scary.

I am still a little scared at night when there is no one around. I have been driving for the last 2 weeks and for some reason, I hadn’t heard one word from Broken Guitar. I call for him every once and awhile and nothing. I am a good girl for right now anyway. Since I have been driving James and I haven’t had sex, he doesn’t even want to come along on the weekend trips. I was home three nights ago for a little break and nothing. I came in at 3 am and woke him up and he said he was glad to see me and then when back to sleep. When I woke the next morning he was at work.

I know we love each other but we don’t have that spine tingling, one-look-and-my-panties are wet love when we look at each other. We’ve been together so long and the honeymoon is long over and the divorce and a new engagement. I wonder if we are only together because we can rely on each other to be there to pick up the peices. I don’t know and oddly enough I am not too sad by thinking these thoughts. Sure I want to be with someone wholly and sure I want to be thought of as a goddess but is that someone James.

Maybe we both need someone other than each other. We are like the pint of hagen daz in the freezer when we are lonely. I want someone and sure I would marry James and honor him but would I happy when the time on the road is done. How I describe what I am feeling, I need to feel needed and desired forever. I want someone to look at me and feel my heart skip a beat. I want to desire someone so much that our kiss brings me shivers when it happens. I want to be chased and chase tease and play until the sexual tension explodes. I want to find that one person that I can’t live with out and I wouldn’t want men from other places because I had the man that made me soar.

Restless and needy I sure wish I could run into Broken Guitar.

I am ready to go back on the road. I spent the last month working at the office scheduling and creating routes and such. I hated it. I got the cast off my arm and it still hurts some but not as bad.  My arm was shattered, I can still use it but not as well. I have physical therapy three days a week. The best part is, they called me into the office and when I got there, they surprised me! My truck arrived shiny and pink. As soon as I was handed the keys, I was handed a schedule to be back on the road. I am so glad.

James drives me crazy, always fretting over me like I am a frail battered bird. He spent much time on the phone calling the police looking for leads on the guy who hit me. I would rather just have it all go away. It is over anyway every last thing my dad owned, except for my house is all gone the business and the truck. Since James has been living here, dad is starting to disappear from here as well.  Maybe I should let him go as well it has been a long time since he was alive. He is dead and I should get over it.

Jenny doesn’t have a new man. A fact that is odd since she always has a man but lately she has none. She doesn’t even mention men. We went to the Liquid Clam a few times and not once did she try to snag a man and when one came to her, she rejected them. I asked her about it and she made up some excuse like she was ready to look for the right man. I known her all my life and now I don’t even feel like I know her at all.  I wonder if I ask them will they lie or will they tell me the truth? Maybe the reason I don’t ask is because I am afraid of the truth. I don’t even know the truth in my own heart about James.

The road is calling me and with my own solace I will find the answers and maybe one night while the rain is coming down, Broken Guitar and I will find each other and make passionate love in the truck.

I am home in Maine but I am not married. Something terrible happened, I was in an accident. It was a little after 2 am and I pulled into this truck stop in New York because the fog was very thick. Normally I don’t mind driving in the fog but I couldn’t see 2 inches in front of me. It almost seemed like a Nor’easter except the air was still. I didn’t want to take any chances. I pulled into the truck stop for a couple hours. I called James on the phone.

As he was saying I love you, I heard a truck come closer then a truck hit my side of the truck. I bounced around and hit my head. I woke up in the hospital with a broken arm and a concussion. When I awoke, James was there as was Jenny. The police came and went and asked if I remember anything. All I know is the truck that hit me had no lights on and I don’t remember tires shrieking to halt either. I was parked in the lights I don’t know this happened. James said he heard everything over the phone and called the police. Other truckers were there and said they heard the noise but when they came out to investigate the other truck was gone.  I don’t know why someone would just run away especially if it was only an accident.

My truck is destroyed and I am waiting for the insurance money and I will get another. The wedding is on hold. I just got back to Maine today and James  had me in bed bringing me food and drinks in bed and giving me hugs. Jenny came by earlier with a card and then her James slipped out of the room for a few minutes. He came back with out her and she left. Right now I don’t care, my head still kind of hurts and arms is killing me plus I am just sore all over. 

James hasn’t talked about a new wedding date and I haven’t brought it up either. I think I will take another pain pill and sleep for awhile.

In two days I will be married. I will be back in Maine early Friday morning about 3 or 4 am. I have enough time to rest. The wedding is at 3 pm of course I have some last minute stuff to attend to like one more fitting. I told Jenny to fit the dress on her since we wear the same size but she told me my boobs are bigger and that won’t work. This whole thing is a giant pain in the ass.

They were together tonight when I called James for an update. She was laughing, they were at the Liquid Clam having dinner and drinks or something. I wonder if they are having one quick thing before him and I get married. Maybe I should I postpone the wedding because I don’t want to be married if they discover they have feelings for one another. They were always close though and when James and I divorced, I think they saw each other because sometimes I would call Jenny on the phone and she wouldn’t answer when she would call back she said she was on a date.  If they are having a thing I wish they would tell me and then we can all move on. I would be jacked as hell but I would get over it. That is the price you pay when you are a truck driver, you can’t leave the road because you love the road too much but you can leave the people you love, who are lonely and need someone to make the nights warmer.

Tonight, I called for Broken Guitar. He’s always around where ever I am except for tonight. This is the night I want to meet him and maybe get in one quick fuck before I am married. I gathered all my nerve. I will keep trying for a little while, he’s bound to be somewhere near me. Sometimes, I wonder if I meet Broken Guitar that he is my soul mate and not James. Maybe the reason James hasn’t been asking me to come home is that he is hoping I fall for someone else and dump him so he doesn’t feel bad about jumping Jenny the first chance he gets.

A better plan would be to talk with Jenny alone and say something to her about if he wanted to change his mind I would be cool with that. The problem lately is that they are never apart. If I called her at 3 am she wouldn’t call back until morning (eventhough she stays up late) and for some reason James is with her.  Where are you Broken Guitar. Give me on reason to ditch the wedding. The one night I need you, you aren’t around.

Well in 10 days I will be married once again. I sit here in this quiet truck stop and my nerves are frayed. I am not nervous about getting married espcially to James because James and I were married once before. What is driving me crazy is the whole wedding planning fiasco. I am glad that I am driving every single day until the 9th. I need to get away from cake decisions and dress fittings and all that shit. Sure I may like nice clothes but this goes beyond nice clothes. I don’t want things perfect, I just want to I don’t know. Maybe I want James to call me on the phone and say we’ll be married tomorrow in from of some JP who thinks we are two crazy people in love with each other. That’s right we already did that. Jenny and James finishing up everything.

Normally Jenny hates weddings but now she is a monster she is almost as bad as James for this whole wedding thing. Sometimes, I wonder they are not the ones tying the knot.  I did wonder a couple of times especially once James was in school and I was driving they hung out together. That is not weird but they have a special friendship or something to look at them from a distance you would think they were in love. They never argue with each other and they laugh at each other’s jokes at the right time. I don’t know how to describe it, her eyes glitter when he is the in the room. I put all these thoughts behind me because Jenny is my best friend and James and I are soul mates.  I do still wonder sometimes, maybe they have a thing and they are afraid to tell me. I would be pissed as hell but then I would be free to do anyone I wanted so that can’t be all bad.

I have been thinking about marriage again and though the idea sounds great to have someone wait for me when  come back from the road but  I also enjoy the feel of strangers, the game we play to entice each other to bed. I am a good girl and I will honor our marriage as I did before.  Lately, I have reconnected with Broken Guitar, he is my special friend that I confide everything to even about Jenny, James and the whole wedding thing.

He seems to have forgotten everything that went on between Jenny and him when she last rode with me. There is one part of me that wants to meet him even for a couple of minutes just to see him and I want to do it before I get married. At night when I should be thinking of James, I am imagining Broken Guitar, what he looks like and fantasize about him bed.  He asked a couple of times but I chicken out and say I have to drive soon or I am bushed. Sometimes I am beat but I would meet him. I want to meet him. He is my escape from the craziness that surrounds me.

Maybe we should meet and share an erotic night then everything would be good, I would get married knowing I had a bachlorette party for one. I am just scared to meet him but I want to so bad and the closer my wedding night comes, the more I desire to meet Broken Guitar.

We set a date for the wedding it is October 10. I am looking forward to it. The last time we got married was just a quick little eloping at the county courthouse. That day I wore white dress but nothing fancy, James wore a suit. This time we are having a real wedding. Actually he wants a real wedding more than I do. He already booked the church and the reception and I sent out the invites.

Yes, I want to marry him but dad never walked me down the aisle. And now he will never have the chance. If there was a way to turn back time who knows how today would be? I dread dress shopping. Jenny offered to make me one and I am thinking about letting her. I don’t really want to spend a lot of money on one since I will be wearing it only once. If for some reason James and I should divorce again and I remarry I would never wear the same dress once.

James suggested I invite my mom and brother. I wrote their invites out but they still sit on the kitchen table underneath a week’s worth of newspapers. He thinks I mailed them and I think I should be done with them. I saved her life when she walked out on me, I think I did my good deed for the century. Why should I invite her to my wedding? James said I need family and I said Jenny was like my sister that is all the family I need. It’s not like he has very much family.

Him and I both tumbleweeds alone and drifting and we have only each other to cross the desert. Sure it sounds terribly romantic but it is also very depressing in the same way. One day Jenny will get married and have kids and who knows about James and I if we don’t make it, or have kids then all I’m going to have are acquaintances and one night stands. Who really wants to end up like that?

I remembered why Jenny is my best friend. The whole time I have been driving she has only come with me twice, normally she has to work or have plans with the boyfriend of the week. I asked her to come with me to Kentucky, more like I begged her to come. She relented and agreed. Jenny doesn’t care what she does or who she pisses off. Somewhere in Ohio, Broken Guitar called me on the radio again.

We just left the truck stop and she was all jacked up on those high energy drinks and smoking like a fiend. It is a wonder her heart doesn’t explode. Broken Guitar called me on the radio. Jenny looked over at me and asked if that was the guy I fantasized about but never met. I nodded. I didn’t really want to talk to him, he’s been giving me the creeps. Jenny picked up the radio and called him back.

He didn’t answer her. She called again, then she dropped the bomb that she was in the same truck as me, he finally answered. She drilled him about his hobbies, wife, kids, the whole nine yards. She asked for his real name and he didn’t give it. When he didn’t answer her she drilled him harder. They didn’t switch channels anyone on channel 19 could hear them. Some of the guys came on and asked questions about why she was such a hard ass on him.

In her sweetest voice,  she explained that Broken Guitar wanted to know her best friend, Pink Panther better but she didn’t know anything about him. Some of the guys came on and said Broken Guitar was a pussy for not answering questions. Others asked if Jenny was single and what she looked like. After awhile, Jenny became popular with everyone else Broken Guitar faded. She called to him and he didn’t answer. That was the last I heard from him this trip.

Here we are in Massachusetts and Jenny is getting “acquainted” with another trucker and I am enjoying some silence away from James and Broken Guitar. I don’t know why I talked to him in the first place. Some people can’t handle loneliness with a strange fuck and a drink like I can.