Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

Well here we are at the end of another year. I can not believe it was a year or so ago me and James got back together, decided to remarry and now we are broken up. They, they being Jenny and James were rather upset that I didn’t stay home for Christmas. I took several loads back and forth across the country. Right there is too much on mind and my heart was to heavy to enjoy Christmas. Don’t get me wrong I love Christmas but not this year. This year I just wanted to be a lone. And I was alone, there were no men even though I could had some and there was no Broken Guitar.  It was just me when I wasn’t driving,  I spent time sleeping or trying to write a letter to James.

Hell, I knew I would never give him the letter I just needed to get some stuff off my chest. I know I said I got over the whole Jenny and James thing but I lied. I really thought I did until I saw them together at the grocery store. I don’t know if they saw me or not. Right before I left for two weeks,  I went into the market to buy a frozen pizza and a tweleve pack. And there they were holding hands, laughing kissing gently. They looked like they were in love. They looked happy.

Sure, I want them both to be happy and Jenny deserves a great man and James is a great man but did they have to wind up together. I always thought James was my soul mate but I guess not and I wonder am I destined for love? Is there someone out there for me and only me, will I find happiness. I left the store and went to the Liquid Clam for wings, darts and beer. According to some of the people at the Clam Jenny nor James comes into the bar since they were together. I guess they spend too much time fucking one another. I remember those days.

I don’t know what I feel right now, I guess a little bit of everything. I am leaving again tomorrow for another couple of weeks. I think I need to find Broken Guitar. I need him more than ever.

What a year this has been and I don’t even know where to begin. My life seems to be going on a down ward spiral and it just keeps on going. And this is nothing different.  I just came back home and the house was quiet and empty. There on the kitchen table was a note. I guess I should’ve saw it coming but I didn’t. Loneliness can make one go crazy.  I am not sad about it too much. I knew he went with Jenny and that doesn’t bother me either. What did it matter anyway. It was still early, my cell rang constantly from Jenny and I got a shower.

Found the sexiest clothes I could find and went the Liquid Clam. I knew everyone there and that just wasn’t going to do. I needed someone to touch me, a feel of a stranger running their hands over me their wet mouth slobbering on my skin. I got in my car and drove to Augusta and just picked a random bar and went inside. Maybe I seemed out of place because a lot of the people there were in their early 20’s. Hip Hop thudded the walls and lights flashed. When I was 21 I was married and when I was home it was either nights at the Liquid Clam or cozy nights in. Tonight was all about sex.

I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. A guy, tall and blonde came over and started talking. I don’t know what we are talking about and I don’t think it matters at all. He asked me to dance. I never danced the way the do in that bar, a lot of rubbing and grinding. The drinks kept coming it started with beer and then we did shots of whiskey. By closing we were both drunk, he put his arm around me and we walked to his place.  He lived several blocks away at least that is what it seemed like. Before I left the bar, I grabbed a pack of matches. I had a feeling I would forget where I was the next morning.

I know I was drunk but I remember the sex it was sloppy and clumsy but it did the job. I woke before him, got my clothes on and called a cab to get me back to the bar.

Then I came home. Jenny and James were waiting for me because they wanted to talk about what happened. My head ached and I already threw up three times before coming in. Sitting on the couch, I tried not to doze off as they rambled something about how it just happened one night and they didn’t mean it. Really does anyone mean to do it. But when they made love they just knew fuck I don’t give a shit and I stopped listenening at some point. All I wanted to do was sleep the rest of the day and sort it out later. 

They asked if I were okay and blah blah. Come on they both know me well enough to when I was hungover. They finally left me and I could nap. I woke later on the day and everything sunk in. I cried and got angry and now I am okay what a roller coaster of a day. I called Jenny and gave her my blessing but I got her voice mail. Her and James are probably in the midst of new love when everything is roses.

I looked at my half smoked pack of smokes. I only smoke when I drink and lit one as I pulled a beer out of the fridge. I sat in the dark and just drank and smoke. What has my life become?