Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

Happy Easter. I am spending mine alone and this is the way I wanted. Several friends invited me over but I needed some alone time. Actually, I don’t I would really like someone just I don’t want to be with friends either. I have been driving a lot lately and even when I stop for a break I have no urge to do anything anymore. I go into the truck stop and grab some coffee and maybe some chips that I never eat.

I go back to the truck and try sleeping but I wind up staring at the ceiling until maybe I fall asleep for a couple of hours. My life has not been worth writing about because I become tired of hearing myself complain. I am just in a little funk. I never felt this way before. Sometimes I wish, I could figure my life out and go from there. The sad part is I haven’t even been looking for men to take away the pain for a short time. Something must be wrong with me.

Right now I am hoping for something to make alive again. I feel like I am going through the motions of life. I know I have to be the one to change but laying in bed or driving is a  much better option then really sorting my problems because that is the tough part.

So my brother never showed, I debated on calling him but decided against it. As soon as we arrived home to Maine, I dropped Nick off at his house and I haven’t heard from him since. I debated on calling him as well but it is much better off if we part ways. It’s too bad because he is really fun to hang out with just not in bed.

On a much better note James and I spent some time together and we did have fun with out sex. We have come to a realization that we are better off not mixing sex with friendship and we agreed that our long drawn out love affair is stale and time to find new people. I agree, I am just looking for someone right about now. I have been driving a lot lately mostly hoping to catch Broken Guitar on the radio but nothing yet. I am planning on a long trip to California at the end of this month. Things are looking better for the company and I decided I needed a little relaxation and work on office type things and socialize. I really feel out of the loop with everything. I have a friend who is getting married. Hell I didn’t even know she was dating anyone. I miss my friends and I miss people in general.

That is the price I pay to do what I love but is it worth it. Sometimes it is but other times it isn’t. I thought about writing to men on the Internet and meet them when I am nearby. I don’t know I think it is a little desperate and anyway I am mostly interested in a roll in the hay with no “getting to know you” bull shit and attachment some men might get to me.

I am going to Boston this weekend with Jenny. I am sure to pick up some action along the way. Sometimes I wish I was back in my early 20’s and single, I feel like I missed out on quite a bit being married and a truck driver. I am not yet 30 but I feel 40.

It is a god thing I do all the driving because then I have an excuse not too sleep with Nick. I know I took thee pussy way out by evading his hints and kisses. We did do it again. I gave him benefit of the doubt of and forgave him for our first night since it was our first night. Really the second time definitely wasn’t worth writing about either. At least we are on way back home.  He is in the arcade right now. I just want to get home and finish this extended date. We are still having a lot of fun but I think I will tell him that we should only be friends when we get home. Why ruin something good.

I talked to my brother today and he went back home but for some reason he is coming back when I am home because we have to talk or so he says. I don’t know about what he was awfully vague.  It has me a little bothered but I try not thinking of it too much. I suppose I again will come home to an empty lonely house.

 Maybe James is right and I should not go away as far.  Maybe I shouldn’t drive so much and focus more on the company. Maybe James was right all along.  I just can’t get my life right. I am not happy not driving,  I am very alone when I am driving. I don’t know anymore.

He is asleep right now, he being Nick. We are in PA for the night. The ride on the way down was nothing but fun. It brought back some memories of James and I when we rode together. He chatted with some truckers on the radio, found great music on the radio and we talked. It was a nice change to have some company for once. And he is a perfect gentleman as well as he paid for our food. The longer we sat in the truck the more that I wanted him. Towards the end of my eight hours he dropped plenty of hints that he was interested in trying out the bed in the back.

We stopped in Lamar and had a pretty good meal.  I rushed off to the bathroom to make sure I was perfect and I met him in the truck. Our little fun lasted about ten minutes. Wow,  I didn’t even have a chance to get it into it.  No foreplay, no nothing. We kissed some undressed, he stuck it in and bam he was done. Okay I thought maybe we can go again in a few.  I guess one round is all he is good for because soon he was snoring away. I really can’t stand people who snore.  It drives me crazy. As he snored, I lay there and then I heard Broken Guitar coming over the radio. He sounded sad and lonely looking for someone to talk to.  I think he was looking for me. It is weird how we seem to meet up on the radio so often it is like he knows where I am.

I wanted to talk but I thought that would be rude to Nick so I let him talk until the voice faded into the rainy night. I do miss talking with him. After he left, I dressed and went inside because I just couldn’t sleep.  I do still like Nick however, my sexual attraction to him disappeared all together. He is great fun to have around.

Maybe I too picky anymore. I wish I could meet Broken Guitar.

I had a surprise today when I got home from Miami, my half brother was waiting for me. Okay I just assumed that he was my half brother since him and I look alike. Of course, I was right on that one. His name is Bryant and he is 18. He told me that he got my address from the police report.

In one way I excited to meet someone I was related to and in another I wondered what his intentions were and why he showed up here at all places. I invited to pizza so we could talk.

He asked a lot of questions about who I was and why I was down in New York. He said when he asked our mother she said nothing but changed the subject or threw a bottle of booze at him. I explained the best that I could of who I was and he said nothing. It was my turn to ask questions.

Mostly I asked about her in general and what kind of person she was like. I don’t know if it was teenage angst or if she really is that way but he lashed out saying how she is a drunk and mean and never really cared about him or his dad.  In  fact no one can stand her that his dad and her split up and he moved away and hasn’t talked to him in years.

I asked why he came and he said, he was done with her and had no place to go. I really had some misgivings but I invited him to stay with me only for a short time. I never had a brother before and this might be fun. I think when Nick and I go to Ohio I might have James come around and check on him. I am torn right about now, but the company should be fun. I hope so anyway