Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

I am at a loss here. The weirdest thing came in the mail today at the office of all places- a letter from Mindy. She said she was sorry what she did because she liked my dad and I a lot. A few years back they needed money and she found ways to take it and pay the mortgage or whatever. She rambles onto say that she is in too deep and there is no way she can return with the money and turn herself in. She ends by saying she is sorry and that is that. I turned the letter over to the police and they said they would look into it. There was no return address or anything not even a postmark. Makes me think she hand delivered it somehow.

As far as James and I well went got back from Georgia he was at home. I went to Pennsylvania the other day and when I came back home he was still at his place. Sure, we talk everyday but I think something is up with him. Maybe he actually met a woman. I don’t know but he hasn’t said anything in awhile about anything.

I am enjoying the break however but now I miss him somewhat. I suppose when you are used to someone you are used to everything that they do. I considered calling him tonight but I changed my mind and played pool with some locals at the bar. I am going to be home for a couple of days and we have plans to spend time together on his insistence. He says we should talk.

I wonder what he will tell me…

I think I was looking for trouble tonight. On my way back from Georgia, I decided to stay the night  in North Carolina and  pick a  load up in the morning. There is this place right off the highway that has a bar, motel and a little diner. I have been here before. I pull off and pay for a room because I really stopped to go to the bar and find a man.

Normally,  I let the men come to me I don’t look for anything. This whole thing with James is driving me crazy. I really went out looking to sleep with another man come home and tell him about, just to see his reaction. I really don’t know what came over me.

The bar is a dive big time, no bands just country records on the juke box that occasionally skip every once and while. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer. The juke box changed and George Jones belted another love song.  I saw him across the bar, wearing a cowboy hat and nice shirt. I bought him a drink. He shot me a smile. I moved my way closer to him. Finally we talked and he bought another round of beers and another round.

We started dancing amongst other half drunk couples.  His name was Pete, I was about ready to ask him to leave with me then this big old blond bitch walked and started hollering and causing a scene.  She looked me right in the eye and called me a whore. I am not a whore so I punched her in the nose. Pete scurried out of sight. Fucking pansy ass.

She whirled around slapped me across the face. The drunks gathered around and cheered for the blonde bitch. A bouncer,  big muscle bound guy with a black cowboy hat escorted me out of the bar and told me not to come back.  Lucky for me, the cops weren’t called. I really didn’t need another misdemeanor charge.

I considered calling James but instead I turned on the CB and listened to the chatter, I half hoped Broken Guitar would call into the night but I didn’t hear him.  After tonight, I am thinking I should do something about James. Maybe I should get him a date.

It really feels like old times between James and I. Saturday night we went out with some friends and we came back to my place and made love. For whatever reason, it was good don’t get me wrong but it wasn’t the same as it used to be when we were first married. Along with the regular sex we started having, he is driving me crazy. He thinks we are together again. In my mind, I am missing my no strings lifestyle that I am not too happy being “together” again.

We are using each other. This I know but I am not really sure that he realizes it yet. He is using me, I am comfortable and familiar he lost his job and almost everything. Now he is working for me and needs some kind of stability. I get that. I am using him, I was very lonely after we divorced plus he is working for me as well and he is doing it cheaper.

He doesn’t go home anymore and he’s been hinting around about staying locally when I am driving. It seems like the 5 years we were divorced he didn’t change. Nor did I. I supposed if him and I are soul mates which I do believe that we are I just don’t think this is the right time for us to be together. In one way I want to tell him to back off some but in another it feels so good to be in his arms again.

I am leaving for Georgia tomorrow. I think this is what we needed a little break. The only difference I see in James is that he is a lot more needy than he used to be. Maybe he is afraid that no one else will want an unemployed lawyer working for his ex-wife. I don’t know why we can’t have both?

For us to be somewhat together but have the freedom of single people. I know I am all for that but I don’t think he will go for it. Lately, he has been in this commitment kick.

To be honest, I don’t know if I will choose to be faithful or not when I am away. I will tell him when I come him if I slept with someone else or not. I never cheated on him while we were married. This is different. I need space.

I am home now. I wasted too much time in New York, more than I really wanted to. I did see her. I went to her house in the morning and she wasn’t there so I napped. I woke up later grabbed a bite to eat then went back. There was a couple of cars in the driveway. I gathered my nerve went up to the door and knocked.

The blonde hair boy I saw yesterday answered the door. We stared at each other since we could pass as brother and sister. I asked to see her. He shut the door and soon it reopened and she stood before me. Then not wanting her interested son to know what was going on, she came out onto the stoop.

Instead of saying something pleasant like I am glad you found me (of course that is what I was hoping anyway it would make so much easier). Instead, she said, “Yeah what do you want?” I knew she knew it was me because when I am 20 years older I am sure I am going to look like her.

At first I didn’t know what to say, 24 years of anger all pent up and I could not think of thing to say or scream or anything. She looked at me and said, “If you got nuthin to say then go. You’re wasting my time.” She turned to go back inside. I said barely above a whisper, “why? Why did you leave me and Dad?”

“Frankly, it ain’t none of your business. That part of my life is over. I don’t know how you found me or why but all that bull shit in Maine is over and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Her words unleashed my fury. I screamed incoherently. She answered nothing, gave no explanation didn’t invite me in for in coffee. Instead she went inside her house. I pounded on the door and yelled. Soon enough the fuzz came around. I was arrested and charged with harassment.

I had to wait around until James came down.  He posted the bail. So now I have a fine. James said it was in best interest that I say I was guilty. Good thing it was only a misdemeanor charge.

I suppose I should’ve stayed away. I guess that shows what kind of person she is when she calls the cops on her own daughter; someone I don’t want to waste my time with at all.

Well I stood in front of her house today, my mother’s house that is. I had a load to go to Buffalo. I made sure I was there early enough so I can talk with her. She lives in a residential area so I parked the truck at a Mini-Mart and walked the half mile to her house. I was ready to face her and ask questions. My heart pounded as I walked.

But I just stood there in front of the walkway and looked at the neat little yellow house. There were some cars parked in the driveway. A teenage boy came out and slammed the door. He looked about 10 years younger than me and had the same blonde hair I have. Chances are he could be my half brother. I don’t think he saw me as he sped away in his clunker of a car.

I breathed in deep and walked up the front steps to the house. Then I don’t know I lost my nerve and turned around and went back to the truck.

As I sat in the truck, I thought about calling. James gave me the phone number. But I decided against it. Maybe I really don’t want to any answers from her.

Think about it, I glorified my Dad, he was all that I had. I can’t imagine him being a bad person. Like I said before, there are 2 sides to every story. And I think I don’t want to know her story because maybe it might make Dad more like a human being as opposed to person I believed him to be. Of course, there is this burning need to get answers even if I may not like them.

I have to drop the load off tomorrow at 9. So I am thinking maybe I should stick around and face my fears and my mother.

After a lot of convincinig, James agreed to work for me. I spent thte whole week trying show him everything I could possibly think of. No news on Mindy’s whereabouts.  I wonder how long she has been doing this. She  worked for my dad for years. I wonder if she started since he dies or while he was alive. The chances are I will never know for sure because the chances of hehr being found are slim to none.

Since I am confident in James’ ability to handle things around the office, I am going back on the road. Although for the firist couple weeks they will be short stints in and around New England and some  of New York. This way if he needs me, I can be back a lot sooner. If things go well I will resume my normal driving.

He stayed over tonight but we have yet to have sex. We went to the Liquid Clam for some drinks with friends and now he is sleeping off the shots. I never seen him drink so much at one time. I am thihnking he maybe a little depressed about losing hihs job in Augusta. We did have  a lot of fun tonight and it really felt like old times especially in the early part of our marriage.

We spend every minute together.  It is comfortable for the both of us and I do miss him but when it comes down to it, I wonder if I am ready t o resettle down again. I am enjoying my sexual freedom a little too much.

Well that investigator James knows found my mother. She lives in upstate New York. I have been near so many times. I wonder if I ever seen her somewhere. Of course, I wouldn’t know what she looks like either. The investigator gave James her address. So I suppose the next time I am in the area I might stop for a little chat. That is what I say now but who knows what will happen when I go to knock on her door and then I lose my nerve and run away. I hope that doesn’t happen but there is so much to be said and a lot of hurt feelings that have to be explained.

Of course, another problem is when will I drive again. The company is crisis. In my eyes anyway. I miss the road but I can’t let my Dad’s company go. Because I know there are still pieces of him there. I just can’t let it go. I even had an offer from a trucking company in New Hampshire to buy me out debt and all 1 million dollars. I turned them down.

James has been a real life saver. I begged him to work for me. I would teach him everything I know, I trust him with my life and he wouldn’t hurt me or the company. He said he’d have to think about it. In my opinion, I think he wishes me to run the company so I am not driving and we can spend a lot of time together.

Not that I don’t like spending time with him, I love it but I also love driving as well. He knows that it is one of things that drove us apart.

But sometimes we can’t help who we are deep inside. I’m a truck driver, a person of wanderlust.

This week was horrendous and actually I hope it is not a precursor for the new year. I am not normally the superstitious type but sometimes I just get a bad feeling and something happens. The night before my dad died, I blew out a tire he fixed it. Later on, while I was driving the very same  tire blew out. I just had it fixed when I go the call about Dad. See what I mean? Just bad things.

Mindy did show for work and acted like nothing was wrong at all. She was surprised that I cancelled all my trips and hired an owner operator from the area to take over my loads for a little while. Other  than that she chatted on like nothing was wrong. This pissed me off because I knew something was wrong. Why wouldn’t she tell me?

By Thursday I was really jacked so I jumped as soon she came into work. She gave me this sob story about the customers haven’t paid and she had to make the choice between insurance premiums and payroll. Then I asked to look in her computer and she freaked and went on about how I didn’t trust her. I didn’t know what the hell was going with her, this was definitely not like her. I left for awhile and talked with James.

He suggested I try a more gentler approach and if that doesn’t work give her an ultimatum. When I got back to the office. She was gone. I tried calling her cell and her home phone and nothing. I went over to her house and she wasn’t home. I thought I really hurt feelings and she needed cooling off. She worked for the company since my dad started it. I would be hurt to if someone gave me a pile of shit especially since she is like one of the family.

Friday came along and she didn’t show up for work. Instead of calling her, I called her husband and guess what no answer there either. James was the next person I talked to, he told me he would call a guy. Awhile later some nerdy fellow with a small nose and an I-pod sticking out his ears came into the office. He said he came to hack into Mindy’s computer. Half hour later, I discover Mindy’s secret of embezzlement.

I call the police and file a report. Now I have to wait. James said I did the right thing. But right now I am feeling hurt, angry. How did I miss this? Did I trust her too much? Dad trusted her and I thought that was enough? She had to have duped my Dad as well. I feel like an ass right about now. I wish I could drive it always cleared my head but who knows I may not be able to again because I don’t think I could trust anyone other than James.

This New Year’s Eve was the best in a long time. I met James at the Liquid Clam but we didn’t stay. We went to his beach house. Well actually it is more like a shanty shack that has been in his family for decades.  The house is located in Ogunquit, a short drive from Augusta. On the way down, we didn’t but we really didn’t need to.

I didn’t know what to expect. I wished that we could have sex again but I definitely wasn’t going to ask because things are going so well for us that I don’t want to mess anything up.

We pull up to the cabin right before midnight. I remember the first time he took me here. I just turned 16 and my dad was away and his parents just happened to be away as well so it was only us.

I lost my virginity here at the cabin. Many nights we spent here together listening to waves crash along the black shore. He produced a bottle of champagne and we stood on the porch and listened once again to the crashing waves. He lit his watch. He turned to me and said,” Happy New Year.” Slowly, he moved closer to my lips and connected with mine. The same fireworks I felt with the very first kiss is what I felt then.

I didn’t want to let him go. He pulled away first and popped the cork. He took a swig and gave me the bottle. We stood in the shivery feeling the ocean mist on our faces drinking champagne. His hand slipped in mine and he led me inside. We fell asleep together on the rickety bed and nothing happened.

On New Years we went to a diner for breakfast and you wouldn’t believe who I saw eating as well. That’s right blue eyes. James noticed there was something wrong but I didn’t mention anything. He hated me driving with out him, he always said it was too dangerous being a lone that it. As James drank his coffee, blue eyes smiled and waved leaving the diner.

James looks up and tells me that he has been fired. Something about covering up the senator’s mistakes. James isn’t too sure why he was fired. I reach over and grab his hand. He smiles and kisses me.

I may be wrong but I think 2008 will bring us back together. Lord, I really hope so.