Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

Tomorrow starts a new year. I am not really looking forward to it all. Just another year older and maybe a gray hair will grow. The only good thing is James and I will be spending New Year’s Eve together. Well us and a bunch of our friends are going to the Liquid Clam, that also is a tradition. After the ball drops we all go over to Jenny’s house where the party continues until well into morning.

I haven’t been sleeping well, I keep thinking about the company. I tried Mindy again today but still there was no answer. I don’t know what is going on. I hope she shows up for work on Wednesday. Of course, this could have a been a problem that has been going on for a lot longer than just a couple of months. I am in the office today so I will see if another creditor calls or not.

James and I have been spending a lot of time together. It makes me realize how much I really miss him. I think he misses me as well since he hasn’t even dated since our divorce. He says he doesn’t have time for dating but for some reason since Christmas Eve we have been spending a lot more time together.

I wish I could drive and have him too. Maybe he is unhappy and would like to join me on the road like we used to talk about when we were first married. He doesn’t talk much about his work nor do I pry. I think I know him pretty well and I think he is unhappy.

Happy New Years.

Another creditor called today. Well let’s just say they must have called on the phone several times and while I was assigning routes the power went. After many phone calls and a wire transfer to the electric company I had the power back on. This was a total disadvantage to my business we need the  power. Something is going on, and it is more than the depletion of my personal funds. After the power fiasco I called Mindy but for some reason she wasn’t home. I went over at lunch and she nor her kids were home. I have been trying all day and no answer. I might just have to wait until January 2 to see what is going on.

What it truly bothering me is that she worked for me and my Dad for a long time. I would trust her with my life and I hoped that if the company spiraled into debt that she would tell me. I am at a complete loss. I can’t get into her computer.

I did go to the bank and I don’t have any checks bouncing from the company account. Since I had a good standing with the bank and I am under the assumption that the company is having trouble I got a personal loan out to save the company.

On a much happier note I went out to dinner with James. He knew something was going on, well he always knows when there is something going on with me. My tongue let loose and I told him everything from the last 2 days. His advice, not  to drive right now and talk to Mindy. Sure that is good advice but if I am doing less driving that means I will have to hire maybe or 2 extra drivers to cover my loads. 

I also told him about the search for my mother. He said he knew a PI that can narrow down the search more than I could. Now this was a great idea.

It is so nice to be in James company again but I can’t help thinking about Mindy and the company. In fact I might have to take a Advil pm so I can sleep. There is something going on but I have no idea what it is. If Mindy is doing something then I would prefer if she would have come to before. I really hope the company is in the red and she is not stealing. I don’t think I could handle that at all.

I went into the office yesterday. As my gift to Mindy I gave her the week off and I needed to be home for a little while. I have been doing so much driving lately, I need a break. While I was signing paychecks, the phone rang it was the health insurance company. The very nice woman told me the premium was past due and they will cancel all policies. Now, I really thought the business was turning a profit because Mindy never said we weren’t or the premium hasn’t been paid. My dad trusted her  and so do I, I sign a bunch of checks and she takes care of the rest. Not wanting to leave the guys and their families with out insurance, I pulled out my personal credit card and paid it.

I looked around the office to see if anything else was going wrong. Then I tried Mindy’s computer, it had a prompted a password. I tried the one that my dad, her and I knew but nothing. I tried other things Mindy might use as a password and nothing worked. I was going to call her at home but I decided against it. I just don’t believe she would be deceitful. Maybe the company was slightly in the red and she hasn’t told me yet.

After I left the office, I made the choice to pay Peggy a visit. I knocked on the door, she opened with a cigarette hanging out her mouth and glass of whiskey in her hand. In a gruff- I’ve-been-smoking-for-forty-years voice she asked what I wanted. I told her I wanted to talk about my mother and father and why she left. She stood in door frame took a long swig of the brown elixir and said, “din’t your daddy tell you?” I told her no. She then said, “well maybe you ain’t supposed to know.”

She went to close the door, then I asked if she still talked to my mom. I told her I would like to talk to her. She looked at and said, “honey, if she wanted to talk to you she woulda found you by now and had a nice little chit chat.”

“Wait,”I pleaded, “Just her last name.” She thought for moment dragged her smoke, “Maybel. Her married name is Maybel.” I said thanks but she already shut the door in my face.

Great now at least I had her name but no location or anything. I searched online for Tracy Maybel and I came up with 100 Tracy Maybels living in the United States. 10 of them live in New England, so I figure I will start with those first and work my way down the list.

I want answers and I think I deserve answers. Though Peggy did have a point mom left when I was 3 if she wanted to see me or talk to me she could’ve in the last 23 years. But I don’t know the whole story yet and Peggy wasn’t about to divulge it either.

I will start tomorrow. Hopefully, it leads me somewhere.

The other night I had to stay in New Hampshire because the load couldn’t be dropped off until the 24th at 7 in the morning. The only good thing about being forced to relax for longer than 8 hours is well relaxation. I caught up with my friend Carole, I treated her and her family to Chinese. It was nice seeing her, I don’t see her as much as I should. Possibly it is because I am a little uncomfortable hanging around a sweet little family. I don’t know.

I made it home by 1 pm on Christmas Eve, and had plenty of time to take a nap which I desperately needed. For some reason I sleep the best in my own bed. I had to be at Liquid Clam at 8:00. After waking up, I made the effort to look really nice. I am glad that I did.

When I got there, mostly everyone was there and already working on the third drink. Then I went up to the bar and I saw him. James, that is. We were together a long time and I just knew it was him even-though all I saw was his shoulder length brown hair pulled back. He turned around and waved me over. He kissed me on the cheek.

I think in some way he will always love me as I will always love him.  We had a great relationship and even the divorce was amicable. I hadn’t seen James in 5 years but he looked great as he always did.

He is 2 years older than me and though we grew up in the same town and went to the same schools we didn’t really meet until I was 14 and he was 16. The day we met, we were together up to our divorce. We were compatible in every way except one and there was no way around it.

He was a driven person, he wanted to someday be a Senator. When he went to college, I was still in high school but he went to school close where we saw each other frequently. When I turned 18, he expected me to join him at college as did my father. He adored James expect that the fact he was older than me. I didn’t want to go. I went to work with my Dad at the company since I couldn’t legally drive truck yet, I did office work.

After James graduated college, we married I was 19 and he was 21. He decided on law school close to home. We couldn’t afford a honeymoon so we went to motel in Augusta for the night.

When I turned 21 I got my CDL and started driving, then we had a great honeymoon. When school wasn’t in session, he rode with me. We felt free and careless, I really thought I could convince him to join full time on the road. Even the sex was amazing when we were on the road. Those couple years were the apex of our life together. Things started to slide after that.

He became more and more involved at school and I drove more. We went from seeing each other all the time to maybe once a week. He begged me to take short trips if I had to be a driver. Of course, he really wanted me to work in the office again. 

We fell apart. He asked for the divorce before he took his first job as an assistant to a state senator. I signed the papers and that was that.

Five years later, here he is. I missed him so much. My best friend Jenny, told me she ran into him in Augusta and invited him. I am glad that she did. We spent the night talking about everything. It was daybreak before he dropped me back at home. I think he wanted to come in but didn’t ask. I know I wanted him to come in but thought it would make things worse. We shared a simple kiss on the lips. He promised to call.

I hope that he does. I feel like I maybe made the wrong choice about doing so much driving.

I am dog tired. I picked up a load heading to New Hampshire. I am sure I can be home for Christmas Eve. I am staying in New York tonight, right over the border from Pennsylvania.

You wouldn’t believe whose voice came over the CB today as I left New Jersey, Broken Guitar. It is so weird in a way. We must have been going the same way because we talked for a long time.

I enjoyed talking to him, we talked about out past and how we grew up. I feel like I am really getting to know him. I did have the urge to ask him where he is from but I decided against it. The whole situation is weird but oddly comforting as well. Him and I both got into truck driving because we love the open road.  He also travels coast to coast and he is an independent owner operator. So am I am but I also have a company to take care of as well.

He thought about going to college but decided against it. He loved his grandfather’s stories of truck driving and thought would be the life for him. Me on the other hand, never cared much for school even though I was a good student.

My dad really wanted me to be a lawyer or doctor or something other than a trucker. But he knew it ran in my blood as much as it did his. When I pulled into the truck stop, I wanted to invite Broken Guitar to have some coffee but I listened to my gut and talked to him until he was too far away.

I know I said before that eventually you run into the same people over and over again. Sometimes other truckers but every once and a while. Most of the time it is fuel attendants, cooks and workers where I make deliveries. There was something really weird about Broken Guitar and how seemed to be everywhere I was. Although it is unusual I welcomed his conversations in the lonely night. I have not seen blue eyed creep- a- zoid lately either.

 I can’t wait until I am home, I need to be with my friends before I do something I will regret.

Tonight I am staying right outside of Chicago, if I really push it I should be able to be in Jersey by tomorrow night. I would like to be home for Christmas Eve. It is a tradition since my friends and I turned 21 that we go to the Liquid Clam and get wasted. It may sound a little childish but it is tradition.

I thought about my mom today. Maybe it is the Christmas blues but I am considering looking for her. I want answers and I think I deserve answers on why she left. I am an adult now and I think I could handle whatever she tells me. And it would be nice to have some kind of family to associate with. Sure, Mindy is like family but I always feel like imposing on her when I come over for the holidays. There is a woman that knew both my mom and my dad. They were friends in high school all three of them.

She still lives in town and I see her around every so often but there is no chit chat. When Dad was alive they were pleasant but you could tell there was bad blood between them. I wonder what happened. I wonder if Peggy ( that’s her name would talk to me) We are all adults, we should be adult about it with out breaking out into a fight Jerry Springer style.

It is something to think about. I may need to be drunk or at least a little tipsy to have the nerve to ring the bill. There is a part  of me that enlarges everyday with this need to find my mom and talk to her.

Do I need something stable? Is that why I think about her, to have a family.

Stranger sex. Most people call it one night stands but it really is stranger sex. The nice thing about stranger sex is you can be anyone you want and who cares because you will never see each other again and if the guy is well maybe a little undesirable, no one has to know.

I dropped the load off early this morning and made arrangements to pick another load up in Idaho and take it to New Jersey. There is no reason to come back empty handed, a waste of time and fuel. I roll into to Boise late and pick the load up. I drive for a little longer then I stop at this rinky-dink truck stop diner motel sort of thing. 

The air was smoky and the lighting dim. I sat at the counter, a gruff waitress in her 50’s sits down a cup and pours coffee. She doesn’t smile. Her hair in done in a pony tail and gray streaks the white hair. She knows my type they all do, always coffee, always fresh, very little chit chat and they get a juicy tip. I order a sandwich when I notice a man enter the diner. He waves to the waitress and  they exchange “how are you’s?”

He is not attractive, shorter than me with a little pot belly but he had a nice smile and nice dark green eyes; perhaps his 2 redeeming factors. He comes to the counter and sits beside me. I know he is interested in sex, not a life time commitment, no babies, no weddings just one night of good old fashioned sex because he spewed cheesy lines such as,” you must be a fallen angel”. Whatever. I don’t really care what he is saying too much, I am just wondering when he is going to get down to the meat and potatoes.

We share idle chit chat and he makes me laugh. He tells me his name is Ben. I tell my name is Cameron, even though it is not.  He is nice. He pays for my meal then he walks out with. I say thanks and goes in for the kiss. I accept. He gets a room at the ramshackle motel.

I find that I can have sex with most men as long as they are not creepy looking, grease monkeys or just plain assholes. All sex really is is just getting back to primordial stages and let the good times roll. The sex? I actually found sex with him enjoyable not always the case with stranger sex. Sometimes just out of nerves, men just aren’t as good as they probably could be. I am not going to stick around and see if they get better. After he fell asleep and a light snoring filled the dank air, I gathered my clothes, dressed and disappeared into my truck. Thanks to Ben I am a little more focused now and can continue on.

I can’t wait until I go to Florida again. I will see Diego. He is a spicy Cuban. I make a delivery there in Miami about every 6 months to the warehouse where Diego works. I always make sure to have plenty of time for my Latin lover. Thinking about good times with Diego, puts me in a better mood and I sing a long with Dolly Parton and her coat of many colors.

Interstate 80 has got to be one of the loneliest roads in America. I don’t know how many times I have driven on 80 from east coast to west. It is a desolate stretch of highway or at least it seems that way to me. Sure sometimes there are huge truck stops and little towns with McDonald’s but soon those neon lights disappear in the mirror and there is nothing but the black road ahead and scores of trees that after awhile look as if you are going in circles.

Normally, I leave the radio on am since you can keep a station for a longer period of time then with fm. Not that I listen anyway my mind is always millions miles away. Occasionally there is some jabber on the cb mostly informational maybe a funny joke but most times it remains silent.

When I am alone on the road and especially on 80, I think about my loneliness. I might love the freedom of the road but I always want someone to come home to. When I know there is no one special to call when I get to the next stop depresses me.

While Loretta Lynne called into the thick night surrounding 80, a voice came over the cb. He said he felt lonesome and wanted to talk. At first, I thought he was seeking a lot lizard but there was something about his voice that made think otherwise.

I got on the radio and told him I would talk to him, since I too, was feeling really blue. We switched to a different channel to chat. He told me his name was Broken Guitar.

I asked him what they name meant and he asked the same question to me. Since I didn’t have good answer why my handle is Pink Panther, I figured he didn’t either. We talked for a little while about our respective loneliness.  Opening up to perfect stranger is cathartic chance are I would never run into ever but who knows.

I did have the crazy notion of telling him where I am getting off for the night. I decided against that. When I pulled off, we kept talking until he was too far out of reach.

Something about his voice and the way he said his words, my heart ached with his. I don’t know what it is. Maybe if we meet again on the cb we should meet in person.

Now, I have the insane urge to call my ex-husband. He was my best friend before we were married and while we were married but now, I really don’t know how he feels since we haven’t talked since my father passed away. He did come to the funeral even-though we were recently divorced. James is a great guy and I miss him.

I just rolled into Erie for the night. I was supposed to stop in Buffalo but I really wanted to make some time. Sure, it is against the law but I was fine.

After ordering my eggs and bacon, you wouldn’t believe who I saw. Blue eyes from the other day, staring at me like I was some freak of nature. I still don’t know if he is a trucker or not. One part of me wants to talk to him, he does intrigue me and other part wants to head for the hills.

 It is strange to see him almost every place that I go. I never do pay attention to what he does. I really don’t want to invite him for chit chat and he maybe a psycho. I know I said I never had problems before but there is something totally wrong with this guy.

Speaking of weird happenings before I went on the road, I visited my Dad’s grave. I didn’t bring him flowers because he doesn’t care for them. Anyway why would you bring flowers to a man. I did bring him a beer though and poured it on his grave, true American style. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman standing watching me. I am not sure who she was but I figured my dad had a special lady friend I didn’t know about.

Maybe I am one of those people that weird things happen to. I think I am just a regular gal but sometimes weird things happen.

Well I better get some sleep I have another 3 days of driving before I reach Oregon and I could be driving through the snow some parts as well.

I can’t sleep. I really should be, because later on this afternoon I will be driving to Oregon. I told you Steve’s dad would use the company. The funny thing is his dad called already and set the shipping up. What a chump, Steve that is.

I know why I can’t sleep, today is the day my Dad died 5 years ago. People say time heals all wounds but it really doesn’t. It seems like the pain is as fresh as was the day he died. My dad was my entire life. Mom left us when before I went to school. So it was just me and Dad. I always wondered why she left? I thought about seeking her out on many occasions but I don’t know. I would guess since she didn’t want me then, I don’t think she would want to see me now.

With dad being gone, I am pretty much alone in the world. Sure I have my friends but it is not the same as a family. And at this time of year it makes things worse. To this day my Dad’s death is a mystery. He died in his sleep yet the coroner found nothing wrong with him. He told me it was his time to go. Actually, I probably would have accepted it better if he did it to himself. I just don’t understand why someone would just die for no reason.

I remember the day he died. I regret going on the road. Even-though I know there was nothing I could have done. I was doing a short run to Virginia. I just passed the Maryland border when Mindy called me on the cell. I knew she had been crying, and all she said was it was an emergency. My heart sunk. I asked her what happened and she told me my Dad died. The tears fell from eyes.

I pulled into the truck stop and paid someone to take my load to Virgina. I drove straight through the night until I got home but he was already gone to the morgue.

I don’t remember the funeral it blurred together like fog on the interstate. Even today, I can’t believe he is gone. I miss him so and I hope that is there is some place where the dead go, I hope it is not far away from me.