Breaker 1-9 Pink Panther Here

I remembered why Jenny is my best friend. The whole time I have been driving she has only come with me twice, normally she has to work or have plans with the boyfriend of the week. I asked her to come with me to Kentucky, more like I begged her to come. She relented and agreed. Jenny doesn’t care what she does or who she pisses off. Somewhere in Ohio, Broken Guitar called me on the radio again.

We just left the truck stop and she was all jacked up on those high energy drinks and smoking like a fiend. It is a wonder her heart doesn’t explode. Broken Guitar called me on the radio. Jenny looked over at me and asked if that was the guy I fantasized about but never met. I nodded. I didn’t really want to talk to him, he’s been giving me the creeps. Jenny picked up the radio and called him back.

He didn’t answer her. She called again, then she dropped the bomb that she was in the same truck as me, he finally answered. She drilled him about his hobbies, wife, kids, the whole nine yards. She asked for his real name and he didn’t give it. When he didn’t answer her she drilled him harder. They didn’t switch channels anyone on channel 19 could hear them. Some of the guys came on and asked questions about why she was such a hard ass on him.

In her sweetest voice,  she explained that Broken Guitar wanted to know her best friend, Pink Panther better but she didn’t know anything about him. Some of the guys came on and said Broken Guitar was a pussy for not answering questions. Others asked if Jenny was single and what she looked like. After awhile, Jenny became popular with everyone else Broken Guitar faded. She called to him and he didn’t answer. That was the last I heard from him this trip.

Here we are in Massachusetts and Jenny is getting “acquainted” with another trucker and I am enjoying some silence away from James and Broken Guitar. I don’t know why I talked to him in the first place. Some people can’t handle loneliness with a strange fuck and a drink like I can.

A whole month can just go by so quickly with out even a thought. My time has been spent driving a lot with James that is. Broken Guitar where ever he maybe hasn’t tried contacting me lately. It might have something to do with James being with me everywhere I go. I told him about what happened and he didn’t seem very pleased. Since we don’t know what he looks like it is hard for him to knock his head off.

Don’t get wrong, I love James I really do but I like my driving time to be alone time and talking with people maybe hustling pool. My dad taught me how to play as soon as I could see over the top of the table. If I don’t say so myself, I am pretty damn good. Now with James there is no social hour, there is nothing other than him and I playing pool or pinball or even sex. Not that I am complaining too much about the sex but he is always around.  It is kind of annoying.

Besides that I saw the blue-eyed creep the other day in Delaware. I haven’t seen him on months. I was waiting for James to come out from the bathroom and I saw blue eyes standing at the counter. He looked and smiled.  Yes, he does seem a little creepy but he has smile with all of his teeth and they are unusually white as if he whitens his teeth everyday.  They are so white they almost glow. I just stood there and stared, James comes out of the bathroom, put his arm around me and we walked back to the truck.

I need to be away from him for a couple of days. I wonder if I could get Jenny to come along with me on the next trip. I don’t see why he wouldn’t go for that since he likes Jenny. At least with her, I know I will have fun, maybe that is what he afraid of.

What a fourth. Sadly, it was my turn to to drive over the holiday but James came along.  He attached a flag to the grill of the truck and took our picture in front of it. Kind of cheesy but sweet in the same way. At least when James rides with me, he picks out the good radio stations.  It was definitly old times.  We are heading towards Chicago and the once the sun set we were lucky to catch glimpses of fireworks. I told him we should have a fire works display at the reception. He smiled and said nothing.

Things have been going to perfect for us lately. But I knew something would turn that up side down. Some where in New York, a voice came over the radio.  I knew who it was, Broken Guitar, he asked for someone to talk to him. James diddled with the radio, then out of nowhere the CB  called my name, “Pink Panther, are you on. I know you are near by, you want to talk?” Broken Guitar has never called me out before and it scared the hell out of me. Yes I know I drive a pink truck but he has never mentioned in all the times that we talked that he has seen me or my truck.  James stopped and demanded answers.

I told him the truth that I only talked to him on the CB sometimes long before him and I got back together. I don’t know why but he didn’t believe me. He started cursing and yelling and saying I was cheating on him. Broken Guitar called to me again, I had the urge to pick up the radio and have James talk to him and see for himself that Broken Guitar never met. I knew that would be a bad idea because James would see it as a lover covering up. I didn’t argue with him.

Once we were close to Buffalo for the night, he spoke to me. He asked if I ever met Broken Guitar. I said no and I told him that I wanted to a couple of months ago, that he asked and I didn’t go. He seemed oddly satisfied with that answer. Then he said, “you know I love you very much and something bothers me about how he knows what kind of truck you have”

I grabbed his hands and face him, “it bothers me too.” That was the truth.

We have decided on getting married in September that gives a few months to do it  right   this time. Last time  we got married  is more like an elopement dad wasn’t pleased we  dashed off to  the  JP as soon as we  got  the marriage license. Of course our honeymoon was a weekend away at the shore. He  wants everything  to be right. Well so do I guess. I  wish Dad was here  though, I think this  time he would approve.  Every girl wants the dream wedding  and  I am no different. I know he is the one for me.

I went away to New Jersey for a  short trip.  While I  was at  the truck stop a voice, I haven’t heard in awhile came  across the  CB- Broken Guitar. He sounded sad and asked  if anyone wanted to  talk. I haven’t thought about him  in a long while and this was one person I confided when I was really low. I picked  up the radio and  told him I would  talk.

Once we switched to a different channel he said never stopped thinking about me. I started off with everything from selling the  company, my mother  and my brother  and my engagement. Even when I told him that he wanted to keep talking. His voice is as smooth  as  Barry  White and I could listen to him all night. When I told him about James  and  I was the last time I even thought of James. Broken  Guitar was different and I  don’t know what it is. My fantasies of him kept me happy through lonely nights on the road. I feel like he gets me and my life more than James does.

Two hours into our conversation, I looked  out the cab  window and wondered where he  was. He could here or in the one across the highway.  Sometime I want to meet him even if just for a moment,  before I get married again. He has asked to meet but I said  no. I am hoping that if we do meet he will ugly as a decrepit donkey with bad teeth then  I can be fully ready to marry James.

Has it been over 2 weeks since I written? I don’t know where time goes.  My brother did bring bad news. After I hung up the phone, James and I quickly dressed and I answered the door. He didn’t speak as he came in and sat on the chair. The air was too silent and uncomfortable even with James in the kitchen making coffee. I just tell him to get on with it. He began my rambling on that I am his last resort and blah blah. I look at him and tell him that I am flat broke and that I can’t help him. He says he is not looking for money but it his mother, I guess she is my mother as well has cancer and she needs a bone marrow transplant. I don’t know what to say now. I do know my anger is boiling. “Why come to me?” I scream at him. His eyes look downward and replies that he is not a match and maybe I am.

Does she know you are here begging me to save her life even though she took off and ran then when I tried to get to know her she has me arrested? I ask and believe it or not it was her idea. I can’t believe that woman. I tell him I will think about it. He asks when will I know and I answer “what is she going to die tomorrow?”. No I guess the doctor’s gave her the standard 6 months to live.  He says he has to get back and then before he is out the doors he begs for me to come to New York with him. I said I want to think about it.

I just can’t believe this bull shit. Who does she think she is anyway. Yeah I know she is my mother but she ran out on me as well as my dad. So what if dad and her were having problems? That doesn’t mean she had to cut me out completely. Then I go to New York to meet her and maybe talk about things and that gets me is in jail.

It takes a full week before I pick up some loads heading towards that way. Lucky for me, James came along. I went to the hospital after all the loads have been dropped, I get tested. Then they come back and take more. I don’t know and I didn’t ask either. I just wanted to get the hell out of there and back in the truck at least and make love to James.

I had to spend the night and James stayed by my bed. First thing the next morning we leave and go home. On the way through New Hampshire we stop at a rest stop and he looks at me and grasps a hold of my hands and I was already to spare a half hour and jump in the cab and make the truck rock. But I wasn’t prepared for this. He asked me and I said yes.  How could I not?

James and I are getting remarried. I knew this year would be life changing but this is more than I could ever hope for. Slowly he is moving back in and here I am watching while he sleeps and the fans running full tilt. This time is going to be forever.

I said I was taking a vacation and I finally did after much coaxing from Jenny and James. My vacation consisted of nights at the bar with Jenny and soap operas during the day. One day out of the blue, I get this crazy idea to make spaghetti and invite James. Since I have been home more, I haven’t been so lonely. I kept thinking about him. Sure we’d talk on the phone and maybe we’d meet at the park for a walk but that was it, very platonic. I called him on the phone and he accepted my invitation. I only planned on some wine, some laughing and eating. Times like these were precious few when we were married.

The sauce was already simmering when he arrived with a bottle of cheap wine and flowers. Not just some run of the mill flowers either, roses. My heart hoped there was more my brain said he was just being friendly. Just because I have been married to someone doesn’t mean I know what he is thinking. He never was one to show his feelings on his face.

Well I was right there was laughing and remembering the good times. I would like to say that we polished off the bottle of wine and started on a second and we were so drunk and horny that we had to have each other. But it wasn’t like that, I just drained the pasta into the sink, the glasses of wine remained full and he came behind me and put his arms around my waist then slowly nibbled on my ear. I didn’t to think or talk I whirled around and welcomed all of his advances. Right there in the kitchen we had sex. Not clumsy horny first time having sex teenage sex or the run of the mill married sex. This was sex we had right we after we got married, we did it everywhere and every chance we got raw and unbridled, needy and giving. Right after that moment as we lay in each other’s arms, the spaghetti went cold the wine warm I thought almost made myself believe there was nothing more than sex. We are both human and have desires, desires that needed to be filled and what better person than someone you know you can enjoy and that person will enjoy.

Another kiss and he put on his pants and called for pizza. We ate, looking at each other with hunger that pizza couldn’t satisfy. The house was quiet, I didn’t know what to say and I know he didn’t know what to say. Someone had to break the ice and talk about whatever. Was it just sex, is there more, do you still love me? If he asked me that I would say I will always love him. And to this I do love him and always will even if we got married to someone else no one could take his place. I opened my mouth to speak, he reached over and put his fingers to my lips. Then standing, he approached me and swept me in his arms and carried me to bed. We intoxicated each other.

The next morning after another round of honeymoon sex, I blurted out, “so what now?” Tracing his finger up my body he looks at me and only said, “I love you and you and me should be a we.” He always knew how to get me at his beckon and call. I wanted this, I needed this, I missed this my life was empty when James and I were apart. Instead of telling him, I kissed him and our souls traded places. Before our hands could venture, my cell rang. I let it go to voicemail but it kept ringing. I looked and it was my brother.

I answered the phone, he said he had news and it wasn’t good and he was on the front porch.

It isn’t so bad working for someone else. It is taking a lot for me to break every 8 hours like I am supposed to. I am so used to skidding by the rules when I worked for myself. Maybe drive 8-10 hours then break sometimes I would push it 12-14 and rest for rest of the day.  They treat me well and pay me well. Plus I am still an owner operator, I pick up extra loads when I can.

I have been driving short stints lately but that doesn’t bother me, actually it is kind of nice in a way because I am home, I have a little bit more of social life either with James, or Jenny, or just hanging out at the Liquid Clam. 

While in New York, I breifly talked with my brother and he said when I am around the area to let him know because he still wants to talk to me but he doesn’t want to do it over the phone. He rambled on to say that he has been super busy with stuff. When I ask him what stuff he says nothing and rambles on. Really, I don’t know why I bother with him at all. I think it is because I just something to hold on to like a relative. As far as I know I have no one else except for my brother and his bitch mother.

I keep hoping for Broken Guitar to come on CB but I still didn’t hear from him. I am hoping soon because for some reason he fills the void deep inside my heart when I am doing what I love.  I think I will meet him if we are close enough together. I need him.

I know it’s been a long while, I have some good news and some bad news. I got to keep my house but it came at a price. The money just kept going red and I sold the company. The guys are happy because they are getting paid regularly like they should right before the buy out, I really couldn’t pay them what they deserved. Now that I sold the company, I will be driving more and James got to keep his job although I am sure he would rather do something else. He wants to practise law but there are no takers yet.

After a month of not doing anything, I am looking forward to being free on the road again. I really miss it and I miss driving my rig. Once I had the check and paid the guys what they earned plus some extra, I fueled up the rig and Jenny and I went for a drive just because. I have never worked for anyone else before but I need to I can’t just an owner operator alone because I just don’t have the money. It seems like a recurring theme of a nightmare, broke and lonely sounds like a reciepe for disaster doesn’t it?

Looking on the bright side,  I am still young and my dad started the company after he worked for someone else for years. It feels like my dad is slipping away, sometimes I have to look at pictures just to remember what he looked like.

Off to New Jersey this weekend and then New York and back home. I can’t wait to leave. I have it worked out where I will be taking a break for 8 hours in Atlantic City, I need some fun for once.

Things are bad for me and the company mostly part of the reason I haven’t written. I haven’t driven in a couple of weeks because I am paying the fuel for my guys and their wages. I am out of money. I am broke. I decided to sell my house and I few people are interested in it. I spent days crying as I packed up things in the only home I have ever known. Flipping through photographs of my father and I on camping trips and amusement parks and chilly shell searching days at the shore. As of now I am still living here but much of the stuff is packed away and stored at James’ house. This was the hardest decision I had to make.

Sometimes when I am looking at the books, that offer from Dystarts sounds better and better. I can’t lose the business not yet anyway. We have customers but they can only pay so much some never pay at all no matter how many times I call. I can’t even afford a collection agency. Though I need the money, I don’t have the heart to turn it into the police. I can’t do it. Some of the long time customers are closed or bankrupt and I may see some money in the near future, I am not very hopeful.

A nice couple with two kids came and looked at the house today. I had this incredible urge to make up stories about the leaky faucets and the roof that really should be repaired before the next rains and dangerous mold spores growing in the basement. Again the good person in me couldn’t do it. The little girl with golden hair ran up the stairs and yelled to her parents. She loved my room and wanted for her own. I love that room to. They told me they’ll think about it. James said we could live together until things get better. I barely can pay him. I don’t know what to do.

I want to drive somewhere but where?  Maybe down the road because that is enough fuel I have in the rig but that is it. I wish I could win the lottery or something. I don’t know. This is so hard and I just want to throw my hand up in the air and give up and sell the company. The deeper the red, the more attractive it is. I wish I could let go.

Happy Easter. I am spending mine alone and this is the way I wanted. Several friends invited me over but I needed some alone time. Actually, I don’t I would really like someone just I don’t want to be with friends either. I have been driving a lot lately and even when I stop for a break I have no urge to do anything anymore. I go into the truck stop and grab some coffee and maybe some chips that I never eat.

I go back to the truck and try sleeping but I wind up staring at the ceiling until maybe I fall asleep for a couple of hours. My life has not been worth writing about because I become tired of hearing myself complain. I am just in a little funk. I never felt this way before. Sometimes I wish, I could figure my life out and go from there. The sad part is I haven’t even been looking for men to take away the pain for a short time. Something must be wrong with me.

Right now I am hoping for something to make alive again. I feel like I am going through the motions of life. I know I have to be the one to change but laying in bed or driving is a  much better option then really sorting my problems because that is the tough part.